Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Squirrel's Nut Cache - 7/1/2010

The Nut Cache - a collection of recent things I found interesting, or amusing, or nutworthy.

I enjoy a good read, and, each year, I enjoy the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, held to see who can write the best worst opening sentence for a novel. There is an overall winner, and then there are winners selected from different genres of fiction; Romance, Adventure, Science Fiction, etc. My favorite this year is the wretched line that won the Detective Story category, penned by Steve Lynch of San Marcos, CA:
She walked into my office wearing a body that would make a man write bad checks, but in this paperless age you would first have to obtain her ABA Routing Transit Number and Account Number and then disable your own Overdraft Protection in order to do so.
I takes real talent to write that badly! Click here to enjoy more bad writing.

It is always nice to get off from work a bit early. There's all sorts of stuff you can do when you get off work early; maybe catch a movie, or do some shopping, or just go home and catch up on the laundry. It seems that a New Port Richey, FL woman liked getting off work early. She liked getting off early so much that, once, she sabotaged the phone system so that her employers would send everybody home. Then she set a fire in a filing cabinet for the same reason. She got caught. Now she doesn't have to worry about when she gets off work...

Workers renovating a 12th century parish church in Sweden were worried. You see, there are bats in the old church. Not in the belfry, that would be almost normal, but in the rafters above the sanctuary. And there were those suspicious brown spots on all the pews. "Parishioners had become uncomfortable sitting in the brown-speckled pews and had forwarded a request to the church authorities that the benches be cleaned during the renovation." Well, turns out that the bats were not to blame after all. It's old paint, not poop.

The manhunt is on! Authorities are searching for the wanted fugitive. Officials seek the help of the civilian population, soliciting any information that can help catch the miscreant. A reward for information leading to the arrest of the subject is offered. A $5000 reward. Mike Schillmoeller and Stoner, his dog, found the suspect hiding in a wooded area off Clearlake Road. Matt called 911, then Matt called the Central Florida Crimeline. Their response? "No reward for you!" It seems that Matt was supposed to call them first. Since he called 911, he's out the five grand. "Pretty much the next time if I find a wanted fugitive, I'm going to let them go," Schillmoeller said. "There's really no reason to help out." That's justice for you...

...And the bride wore camouflage... The best I can do is just quote from the article: "The bride looked lovely, if a little hard to see against the wooded backdrop, in her silk Mossy Oak dress ordered off the Internet from a firm in Alexandria, La. The groom, in camo pants and shirt, likewise blended well with the setting. Their vows and the ceremony were for the most part traditional, though they were conducted atop the [Anamosa Bowhunters Archery Club's] outdoor shooting platform and punctuated at times by Hunter [the groom] and Silver [the bride} firing arrows into three-dimensional targets." Hmm... I've never done a wedding where the happy couple was armed... (And then there was this, left in the comments at the website by Peter Duncan, "How refreshing to see a man and woman getting married for a change." Amen, Peter, amen.) (You know, I wonder if the writer of this article has ever heard of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest...)

If you're married, you've probably done it. If you've only been married a short time, there is a good chance that you will do it someday soon. I'm talking about spending a bit too much money on something that you probably shouldn't have spent money on. A man recently did that while on a trip to Florida. A trip to Florida without his wife. The man blew $300+ at the Peek-A-Boo Lounge. Later, repentance remorse guilt misgivings panic set in, and he had to do something. So he call the police and told them that he'd been robbed. Now he's in even more trouble...

That's all for this week, kids! Keep those Nuts and letters coming!

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