A Difficult Confession

I have a horrible admission to make. It isn’t easy for me. This has been eating me up inside for weeks. I just can’t keep the cover-up going. All of the blogging about Ergun Caner, the audio clips, the YouTube videos – it’s all been highly coordinated and orchestrated. You see, it has all been a vast Calvinist conspiracy to bring down the biggest threat to Calvinism since Jacob Arminius himself; Dr. Ergun Mehmet Caner.

You see, we knew that Ergun Caner was just too good, too funny, and too persuasive to be allowed to continue. So we put together a crack team of computer graphics artists, quantum physicists, cartoonists, and bloggers and went to work.

Using pirated versions of James Cameron’s state-of-the-art 3-dimensional Computer Graphics Technology and precise physical measurements of Ergun Caner, obtained at great risk by commando teams using laser scanners as he slept on airplanes while flying from one anti-Calvinist conference to another, we painstakingly constructed a perfect digital model of Dr. Caner.

We also combed through hours of high-quality audio and created a digital library of every vocal sound uttered by Dr. Caner that has ever been recorded. Then, using highly advanced audio processors, we were able to combine those sounds into any word or phrase needed.

Next, we stole temporal displacement equipment from a top secret lab at MIT. This equipment was used in several ways.

First, using the projection mode of the temporal displacement equipment, we were able to project an absolutely perfect 3D image of Dr. Caner anywhere, and, more importantly, anywhen we chose. We were able to project this image of Dr. Caner back in time and make him stand behind any pulpit we chose and make him say whatever we wanted him to say. In this way, we built up a vast library of “authentic” audio and video recordings, all in plain sight, in front of thousands of witnesses.

Then we used other features of the temporal displacement equipment to change dates on legal documents filed in the Columbus, Ohio courthouse, as well as real estate records.

For my part, I’m sorry I was ever a part of this diabolical scheme. We have totally maligned an honorable man. For the record: Ergun Caner never claimed to have grown up in Turkey; he has never watched The Dukes of Hazard or Professional Wrestling; and he does not eat ham or babies.

(I think Norman Geisler is starting to figure it out, too. We never should have left that copy of The Potter’s Freedom on his desk in 1972…)

The Squirrel's Nut Cache - 3/25/2010

The Nut Cache - a collection of recent things I found interesting, or amusing, or nutworthy.

Our first Nut takes us all the way to Russia, where the game of Russian Roulette was invented. I've checked the rules, and you're supposed to use a revolver. Actually, you not supposed to play at all! But you're definitely not supposed to use a semi-auto pistol... (Tip o' the hat to TurretinFan)

Let's stay in Russia for our second Nut. It gets cold in Russia. Really cold. Some people idle their cars and run the heater to stay warm. Others do other things in cars (usually the back seat) to stay warm. This couple decided to do both of these things to stay warm. Unfortunately, the car was inside a garage. Really, this could have ended better...

Some men shouldn't dance at all... Other men shouldn't dance in public... Most men shouldn't dance with giant bunnies... If a man is scamming an insurance company, claiming to be physically disabled and confined to a wheelchair, he really shouldn't dance in public with a giant bunny...

What makes this Nutworthy, you ask? Well, first off, I think Romanists are a bit nutty to put any stock in, let alone derive any doctrine from, Marian apparitions. However, if you're going to be nutty, let's be consistently nutty. There's no less evidence for these apparitions then for, say, Guadalupe, Fátima, or Lourdes, right?

Nobody wants a surprise visit from the police. Even if you're not doing anything wrong, it can be worrisome, as well as just an unwanted interruption. But, when you're a law-abiding elderly Brooklyn couple who have been visited by the police more then 50 times in the last 8 years, you're probably pretty annoyed by now. I think more then a cheesecake is needed. (And didn't any of the cops ever question dispatch? "Excuse me, what was that address again? Isn't that the Martin's place?")

Welsh, the Celtic language native to Wales in the UK, is only spoken by about 20% of the population of Wales. But that's often going to be a very confused 20%! It seems that roadsigns in Wales are printed in both English and Welsh, and the road sign folks don't always get the Welsh part right...

That's all the Nuttiness I've got for you this week.

The Squirrel's Nut Cache - 3/18/10

The Nut Cache - a collection of recent things I found interesting, or amusing, or nutworthy.

First, we begin with an update. In a previous Nut Cache, we had the story of the brutal meat-thermometer attack. If you recall, a man was attacked after complaining about a woman talking on her cell phone during a movie. Well, looks like a suspect has been arrested. I'll keep tracking this one, as I'm hoping to find out just why someone would be packing a meat thermometer in the first place...

I remember my Dad telling me that you are much more likely to be killed this way then you are to win the lottery. I don't play the lottery, and I admit I've never really worried about having a plane crash on top of me... until now. It is sad, the jogger left behind a wife and two kids, please say a prayer for his family.

Parking regulations should join death and taxes on the list of things that you will never avoid. All sorts of jokes are coming to mind as I read this story, but the writers of the New York Daily News already used most of the really funny ones...

If you've spent any time driving, you've had a flat tire or two. No fun. And, if you've ever watched a high-speed chase on CNN or Fox News, they you're probably familur with a device called a spike stip, used by police officers to flatten the tires of fleeing bad guys. All well and good. But what happens when the "tire deflation device" decides to deploy itself? Nothing good, that's for sure!

Rule #1 -- Do not drink and drive.
Rule #2 -- If you do drink and drive, then don't get caught.
Rule #3 -- If you do drink and drive, and you do get caught, then don't show up for your court date so drunk you can't stand up in the courtroom. Judges tend to frown on this.

Did you know that Queen Elezabeth II invented the Telephone? It seems that the British educational system is just as flawed as the American educational system. At least, here in America, we all know that the first man on the moon was Captain William "Buck" Rogers!

So, you want to get high, but you don't want to be alone. So, you text a few friends and invite them over to share your drugs. I mean, it's good to share, right? Only, you really ought to make sure that the phone number you text your invite to actually belongs to your friend, and not to a member of the Distirct III Drug Task Force. Say it with me, "That's why they call it 'Dope'!"

That's all the Nuts I've gathered for this week. Until next time...

The Squirrel's Nut Cache - 3/4/2010

The Nut Cache - a collection of recent things I found interesting, or amusing, or nutworthy.

This article describes a terrible brutal attack. That isn't amusing at all. But, if you read all the way through to the end, you'll see that the jailers have had to turn away this guy's patients while he's been in jail. Talk about patient loyalty!

Why don't we stay in jail for the next nut. In fact, let us stay in Kentucky. I'm pretty much in favor of the 2nd Amendment rights of individuals, but, having said that, I admit that there are some people who should never be given a gun... or a badge and a gun.

Oh, sure. One more jail story! Jail is not where you want to spend your wedding night. My advice? Do not get drunk and try to drive over your new spouse's old lovers. Just sayin'...


And the Rodent Uprising continues. While many of our UK cousins might think that their Parliament, like our Congress, is full of rats, it turns out that the place the rats are meeting is actually infested with mice. Actually, the problem seems to be with the whole of London's West End.

Who knew? But there seem to have been a whole rash of attacks by lost Emus. (See here & here) From Pennsylvania to Texas, these large, flightless birds have been causing havoc. Most have been Tazed and captured, but at least one emu in Texas has died. I'd say, "Watch the skies!" but they are flightless birds, so, "Watch the... highways!"

Enough nuttiness for now! Until next time...

The Squirrel's Nut Cache - 8/28/09

The Nut Cache - a collection of recent things I found interesting, or amusing, or nutworthy.

(H.T. Tom Ascol) This is actually pretty clever, but I would advise you to save your money. Sure, the Tribulation will be tough on your pets, but it'll be tough on your pets even with atheist animal lovers trying to care for them, because it's going to be really, really tough on those atheists, too. So tough, in fact, that taking care of Fido is going to end up pretty low on their priority list, anyway.

We've all be annoyed (well, at least I have) when you find that a parade or something has obstructed your chosen route to wherever you are trying to go. You either have to wait for the road to re-open, or find a way around. What you should never do is what this guy did. Really poor choice.

I really don't like government interfering in parents raising of their kids. I also think that Western society has delayed giving our children responsibility much too long. In Biblical times, this young lady would be getting close to getting married and having kids of her own. While it is true that sailing solo around the world is sort of a bit of frivolity and danger at the same time, but the girl undeniable has the skills, and her parents support her in trying, so...

(H.T. Phil Johnson) In a perfect world, these are the people that the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals would go after! This has got to be some of the weirdest pictures I've ever seen! Those poor doggies! I do agree with Phil, that the Bison Poodle is pretty neat...

I've always enjoyed watching Cops on TV. One thing that is clear after watching just a few episodes is that most criminals are not very smart at all. This just proves that point. I read once that you cannot cheat an honest man, because your target must want to get something for nothing, or at least something for much less then it's true worth, in order for them to buy into the scam. An honest man will always want to pay a fair price, and is therefore hard to cheat. These folks weren't hard to cheat, and are not heading for jail.

Last but not least, this is pretty cool. The founder of Papa John's pizza wanted to get his old Camaro back, so he began a hunt, and offered a reward of $250,000! Now he's got his old car back. I wonder if that's the most a Camaro has ever sold for? It's a 1971 Camaro, brand new it sold for less than $4,000! (Which works out to $21,260 in today's money, which is surprisingly right on target, considering that Chevy's new Camaro starts at $22,245)

That's the Nut Cache for this week! Sweep up the shells, will you?

The Squirrel's Nut Cache - 8/6/09

The Nut Cache - a collection of recent things I found interesting, or amusing, or nutworthy.

The first item on our list today is a personal item. 19 years ago today, I was a very nervous young man at a hospital waiting for the birth of what turned out to be a beautiful little girl that we named Amanda. Happy Birthday, Pandabear! Daddy loves you!

Now, on with the nuttiness!

Here's a story from across the pond about a rodent in distress. What would you do if your hamster got trapped under the floorboards of your bathroom? Well, the hamster's owner figured that this was an emergency, so she called emergency services. Emergency services were not amused, and are now using her "999" (Brit for "911") call as an example of when not to call. But nowhere do they tell us how the hamster is!

I have friends who are law enforcement officers, and I've had occasions to ride along as they go about their business. You would not believe the abuse that they sometimes face from members of the public that they are sworn to protect and serve; it's shameful. Officers even receive special training in how to cope with the disrespect. Well, the disrespectful behavior wasn't tolerated in this case!

My beer drinking days are far in my past, and I don't miss them. I don't miss the hangovers, the stupid things done in the name of "fun," the wondering of where my money all went, etc. But I will admit that I miss the taste of good beer. And nothing was worse then a stale beer, believe me! So I read that technology is being harnessed to improve the freshness of beer, and that's got to be a good thing. Enjoy one for me, okay?

I can just hear my Dad going off on this one, "You should have gone before the movie started!" Really, a service that tells you what the boring parts are so you don't miss anything when you have to hit the can? Why didn't I think of that? This is a service that really meets a need...

Chinese Astronauts may not have bad breath. Really. That's what this article says. The Chinese space agency has listed 100 qualifying and disqualifying traits that China's future space-farers must meet in order to be shot into space, including no dental cavities, no scars (No scars? Who doesn't have at least 1 scar?). On the positive side, a pleasant disposition is required. I notice that Reuters did not link to the full list...

That's all the nuttiness this week! Have a great day!

The Squirrel's Nut Cache - 7/16/09

The Nut Cache - a collection of recent things I found interesting, or amusing, or nutworthy.

As you are probably aware, I am a space and technology nut. 40 years ago today, the a Saturn V rocket was launched from Florida, taking Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins towards the moon in their Apollo 11 spacecraft. NASA is streaming the complete audio of all communications between the ground and the spacecraft as it happened exactly 40 years ago. Give it a listen here!

The Iowa state fair. A wholesome, all-American sort of thing. And what could be more American, or Iowan for that mater, then a sculpture honoring Michael Jackson in... Butter! That's right, a butter sculpture of the now room temperature pop star will be featured at this years Iowa state fair. I was unaware until now, but butter sculpture seems to be something of a tradition in Iowa. But, wait! The weirdness is not done! PETA is protesting the butter sculpture, and demanding that Jackson be immortalized in cow-friendly non-dairy spread, instead.

Here's a story about an 88-year-old woman and a purse snatcher... except this time the 88-year-old woman is the purse snatcher! Italian police say that 88-year-old Filomena Barbetta has a rap sheet for petty theft related charges going back to the 70's. When asked to investigate an rise in pick-pocketing at the weekly market in Pesaro, Italy, guess who the police caught? Some people just need to know when to retire.

I quit smoking a long time ago, and when I quit, a pack of cigarettes cost about $2.00. I, of course, had heard that, due to increased taxes & some lost lawsuits, prices had gone up. But at these prices I think even the most hardcore smoker will soon quit. I mean, $23,148,855,308,184,500 for a pack of smokes? Ouch!

Australian snipers to penguins: "Don't worry, little birds. We've got your back!" Something, most likely a dog or a fox, is eating the fairy penguins that reside in a national park outside of Sydney, Australia. Well, now they're getting cover from a pair of snipers, charged with "instructions to do what it takes to protect these tiny creatures." Sleep well, flightless waterfowl, you've got friends!

That's the Nut Cache for this week. Stay nutty!

The Squirrel's Nut Cache - 7/9/09

The Nut Cache - a collection of recent things I found interesting, or amusing, or nutworthy.

Happy 500th Birthday, John Calvin! Take some time this morning to read this article at Tom Ascol's blog. I think I'll celebrate by having a blueberry muffin for breakfast, instead of toast. I know, any excuse for a party... (Calvin's actual birthday is July 10th)

Well, you may have noticed the new item in my sidebar. Wait! Wait! Don't say, "Pffft!" just yet! Let me explain! Phil Johnson, James White, Al Mohler, Tom Ascol and others have convinced me that John Calvin & Charles Spurgeon would have used Twitter... Really...

How's this for a reality game show? "Penitents Compete will bring together an Islamic imam, a Jewish rabbi, a Buddhist monk and a Greek Orthodox priest seeking to convert the atheists." Religions compete for converts! On TV! As entertainment! Anyone who converts to one of the competing religions wins a trip to their chosen faith's holy sights. I'm sorry to see Christianity represented by a Greek Orthodox, but at least they didn't get Rick Warren...

5 days late, and an outfit short. Seems a Connecticut man showed up for his appointment at his dentist office sans clothing. To make it worse, he was late for his appointment, 5 days late. Is it just me, or are there really more naked people news stories lately? Reminds me, I need to do some laundry today...

Alcohol makes you do stupid things. Really. Here's an example. Fact- driving while drunk is dangerous and illegal. Fact- stealing anything, including tractors, is wrong and illegal. Fact- Police cars are faster then tractors. Stupid thing? Thinking you can outrun the police in a stolen tractor while intoxicated. The smart thing to do would have been to call a friend, or a cab, or walk, or just about anything else...

I can't get away from the Michael Jackson madness. It seems that the Family Christian Center in Munster, Indiana, is preparing 500 dancers to perform the dance from Thriller. Pastor John Ponder said, "We believe (Jackson) was a saved man." Really? Based on what, exactly? Funny, about 10 minutes at the church's website, and I couldn't find a statement of faith...

Well, that's the Nut Cache for this week!

Air New Zealand Has Nothing to Hide

Air New Zealand has new safety videos to instruct passengers on the safety features of their aircraft. And in the new videos, the flight crew is wearing nothing but paint!

Now, don't worry. Careful placement of luggage, seat backs, arm rests, and other objects hide details that would make the video anything other then G rated. In fact, it's quite cleverly done!



Ah, the stuff you can get away with when you're young and fit!

I thought about not telling that they're all really naked to see how long it took you to spot that fact, but I didn't think that would be fair.

The Squirrel's Nut Cache - 6/25/09

The Nut Cache - a collection of recent things I found interesting, or amusing, or nutworthy.

Marmots are squirrels. They're ground squirrels, and they don't have much in the way of tails. but, still, they're squirrels. So I've got to stick up for this guy! Did anybody consider that he just wanted to order some breakfast? I mean, I'm a foodie, why not him? Poor guy, if they'd have just handed him a menu, instead of running him out the door, everything would have been fine.

Staying with rodents, but Going from the desirable to the undesirable, I now take you to Rat Island, Alaska. It seems that a Japanese shipwreck 229 years ago dumped rats onto the island, and that they've pretty much run things there ever since. But it seems that a rat eradication program is working. If it works, maybe they could try Manhattan next... or, better yet, Congress.

Quite often, we read stories that tell us of terrible abuses by child protection services, where government employees step all over the rights of parents. This is not one of those cases. In fact, to the Human Services workers in Fort Smith, Arkansas, I'd like to say, "Good call."

In an animal-dominated Nut Cache, here's another. We've all wondered about crop circles. UFO nuts have always blamed ET, while skeptics have pointed to hoaxes. But nobody ever suspected the truth! Yep, it's drugged-up wallabies! Of course, a lot of crop circles show up in the UK, and wallabies are in Australia... Maybe aliens take them to England?

This ones a heart-warmer/tear-jerker... I'll wait for you to get your tissues. Ready? OK. Vince Werner flew 42 missions on B-17's during World War II. Last Saturday was Vince's 65th wedding anniversary, then, on Monday, he got to fly around Missoula in a restored B-17. The restored bomber is named “Sentimental Journey,” but I noticed that the article didn't give Mrs. Werner's name...

UPDATE: Mrs. Werner's name is June. She and Vince were married in August of 1944. Their son, Greg, posted a comment in the meta here (with pictures!) Here are the pictures:

Then

Now

Very Squirrely congratulations to Vince and June! And a heartfelt, but wholly inadequate, "Thank You" to Vince Werner, and all of his brothers- and sisters-in-arms, for their service in defense of our nation.