Friday, July 9, 2010

A Difficult Confession

I have a horrible admission to make. It isn’t easy for me. This has been eating me up inside for weeks. I just can’t keep the cover-up going. All of the blogging about Ergun Caner, the audio clips, the YouTube videos – it’s all been highly coordinated and orchestrated. You see, it has all been a vast Calvinist conspiracy to bring down the biggest threat to Calvinism since Jacob Arminius himself; Dr. Ergun Mehmet Caner.

You see, we knew that Ergun Caner was just too good, too funny, and too persuasive to be allowed to continue. So we put together a crack team of computer graphics artists, quantum physicists, cartoonists, and bloggers and went to work.

Using pirated versions of James Cameron’s state-of-the-art 3-dimensional Computer Graphics Technology and precise physical measurements of Ergun Caner, obtained at great risk by commando teams using laser scanners as he slept on airplanes while flying from one anti-Calvinist conference to another, we painstakingly constructed a perfect digital model of Dr. Caner.

We also combed through hours of high-quality audio and created a digital library of every vocal sound uttered by Dr. Caner that has ever been recorded. Then, using highly advanced audio processors, we were able to combine those sounds into any word or phrase needed.

Next, we stole temporal displacement equipment from a top secret lab at MIT. This equipment was used in several ways.

First, using the projection mode of the temporal displacement equipment, we were able to project an absolutely perfect 3D image of Dr. Caner anywhere, and, more importantly, anywhen we chose. We were able to project this image of Dr. Caner back in time and make him stand behind any pulpit we chose and make him say whatever we wanted him to say. In this way, we built up a vast library of “authentic” audio and video recordings, all in plain sight, in front of thousands of witnesses.

Then we used other features of the temporal displacement equipment to change dates on legal documents filed in the Columbus, Ohio courthouse, as well as real estate records.

For my part, I’m sorry I was ever a part of this diabolical scheme. We have totally maligned an honorable man. For the record: Ergun Caner never claimed to have grown up in Turkey; he has never watched The Dukes of Hazard or Professional Wrestling; and he does not eat ham or babies.

(I think Norman Geisler is starting to figure it out, too. We never should have left that copy of The Potter’s Freedom on his desk in 1972…)

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SolaMommy said...

There now, doesn't that feel better? ;-)

The Squirrel said...

It does, SolaMommy. Confession is cathartic.


Carla said...

You weren't supposed to TELL anyone!

That's it, no vuvuzela for your Christmas stocking. Pfftage!

Bennett Willis said...

It is the spork. It has to be the spork. I knew that bringing up spork would come to no good end. It always affects you in this way!

Lightwalker said...

This is full of win on SO many levels.

Robert Warren said...

And you did it all without the help of Walter Cronkite or NASA animators!

Jay Van Til said...

Does anyone think that this situation may affect Liberty's accreditation status or Caner's ability to remain a professor due to the SACSCOC Standards relating to faculty?

3.7 Faculty
3.7.1 The institution employs competent faculty members qualified to accomplish the mission and goals of the institution. When determining
acceptable qualifications of its faculty, an institution gives
primary consideration to the highest earned degree in the discipline. The institution also considers competence, effectiveness, and capacity,
including, as appropriate, undergraduate and graduate degrees,
related work experiences in the field, professional licensure and certifications, honors and awards, continuous documented excellence
in teaching, or other demonstrated competencies and achievements
that contribute to effective teaching and student learning outcomes.
For all cases, the institution is responsible for justifying and documenting the qualifications of its faculty. (See Commission guidelines “Faculty Credentials.”) (Faculty competence)
3.7.2 The institution regularly evaluates the effectiveness of each faculty member in accord with published criteria, regardless of contractual or tenured status. (Faculty evaluation)
3.7.3 The institution provides ongoing professional development of faculty as teachers, scholars, and practitioners. (Faculty development)

See also:

Jennie said...

I knew it!!!

Tom Kelley said...

Can I borrow that temporal displacement equipment sometime? It could come in handy.


Jeff B said...

I'm not so sure I like the tone here. I take that back, I do like the tone. Very much.

PreacherBill said...

totally squirrely

Lydia said...

No wonder he was "exonerated". :o)

DE123 said...

How did you ever for a moment think you could defeat Ergun's top secret equipment? He uses Calvin's Transmogrifier!

DE123 said...

DE123 said...

That whole URL will not paste in...but it really applies to the situation. Will paste URL in two parts...add the second part to the first. Make sure the slash before images goes right after .com

Craig and Heather said...

Calvin's Transmogrifier!

That's funny, now I understand election!!



(is there a spork in that there chamber?)

New BBC Open Forum said...


Sir Aaron said...

Now if you'll just come clean about the lunar landings, UFOs, JFKs assassination, 9/11 and Obama birth certificate.

Herding Grasshoppers said...

wow. I'm glad you've bared your soul like this.


hockeyboy5 said...

I have authentic video of Ergun Caner on the grassy knoll. This pseudo-confession by the Squirrel is part of a conspiracy to distract everyone from my proof that Ergun Lee Caner was born in 1948 in Dallas and lived in the Texas Book Depository until that fateful day in 1963. Or maybe he lived under the grassy knoll in a little hobbit house. I get mixed up on details sometimes.