I Never Knew...

This photograph was sent to me today...

I never knew I had my own coffee shop! I'll have to have legal contact them regarding royalties or something...

With Friends Like These...

So, it was Day One at the Shepherds' Conference, and I was settling into my seat in the Grace Community Church Worship Center for Tom Pennington's session, when I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket...

I pulled it out, and read this:

@Phil_Johnson_
Phil Johnson
Glad @Shinar_Squirrel made it to the conference. #ShepConf

I chuckled, amused at Phil's tweet, and happy that my picture with John MacArthur was entertaining folks so much.

I had just started to return my phone to my pocket, when I felt it vibrating in my hand. (Yes, it was on "vibrate." I was in church, after all.) I flipped it open again, and read this:

@DrOakley1689
James White
@Phil_Johnson_ I warned him about the charismatic stuff. He doesn't listen well. Throw him some @Chick-fil-A

Okay, this was getting funny. Before I'd even started to put my phone away, it vibrated again...

@Phil_Johnson_
Phil Johnson
@DrOakley1689 He'll get an In'n'Out burger for lunch tomorrow. That'll help, too, I'm sure.

Now I didn't even try to put my phone away, at this point. I knew there was going to be more to come. Sure enough...

@DrOakley1689
James White
@Phil_Johnson_ I just feed him nuts, after all. Maybe that's why he's with you, not me? :-)

@Phil_Johnson_
Phil Johnson
@DrOakley1689 Are you in SoCal yet? You should come over on Friday. Lunch or dinner; your choice.

@DrOakley1689
James White
@Phil_Johnson_ No, not there till Friday afternoon. I'm speaking Friday evening, too.

@Phil_Johnson_
Phil Johnson
@DrOakley1689 Bummer

Okay, even I didn't see what was coming next...

@DrOakley1689
James White
@Phil_Johnson_ Hey, if you offered me a real delicacy, like, I don't know, deep fried Squirrel? Might try to make that! :-)

At this point, I have no choice but to reply...

@Shinar_Squirrel
Gene Clyatt
@Phil_Johnson_ @DrOakley1689 I feel kinda picked on :-)

And, now, everybody had to get in on the act...

@ralphprovance
Ralph Provance
@DrOakley1689 I eat squirrel. You need six for a pot-pie!
@Phil_Johnson_ @Shinar_Squirrel

@DrOakley1689
James White
@ralphprovance Six? Well, that would depend on the SIZE of the @Shinar_Squirrel. I've seen one really big sample of that species!

@ralphprovance
Ralph Provance
@DrOakley1689 Pennsylvania squirrels are smaller than the ones they grow in Montana! :-) @Shinar_Squirrel

Gladly, it ended there. I was trying to prepare my heart to worship, y'know...

The next day I got to meet Phil in person. He said he had been prepared to continue tweeting and tell James about some barbaric place where they eat squirrel brains, but he didn't want to offend me. Well, at least someone tried to take my feelings into account...

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Silliness Is For Sharing

The following conversation is true. The names were changed to protect the silly.

Jonathan

For clarification: a Reformed Baptist Church means one that holds to the 1689 2nd London Baptist Confession of Faith. Your soteriology may be Reformed and your sacramentology Baptistic, but if you don't hold to the 2nd LBC, you aren't a Reformed Baptist. I love John Piper, he is a great Christian, Calvinist, and Baptist, but he is not a Reformed Baptist(and, really, neither am I. My church desn't hold to the 2nd LBC)

Squirrel

I'm not "Reformed" either. All that Covenantalism and amillennialism! Blech!

Of course, there are some who say that those who are not paedobaptist, you're not "Reformed"... Everybody's got lines somewhere...

Jonathan

I'm actually historic (ie post-trib) premil, myself.
And I'd consider you Reformed, just maybe not a Reformed Baptist.
My biggest problem with you is your lack of belief in spork.

Squirrel

Well... there IS no spork.

Jonathan

I'm so sorry you are stuck in your fallacious asporkian heresy. I'll be praying for you, Squirrel.

Daniel

Can you explain to me what spork is? Also, I thought that a Calvinistic Baptist is also Reformed. Please explain this to me further. How can John Piper be a Calvinistic Baptist, but not be Reformed? I would love to know how how he himself feels about that statement. I know how to contact him if I really wanted to press the issue.

Squirrel

Daniel, the answer to your question has to do with an adherence to Covenant Theology. To be "reformed" in the minds of many, you must hold to both Calvinist soteriology and Covenant Theology. While I hold to Calvinist understanding of God's sovereignty in salvation, I am a Dispensationalist, not a Covenantalist. Therefore I am not considered "reformed" even though I'm Calvinist.

I don't know enough about Piper's theology to know why he isn't considered "reformed"

Squirrel

Oh, I forgot to explain the spork. The spork is a fictional eating utensil that combines aspects of a spoon with aspects of a fork. Legend has it that such iconic and legendary fast food restaurants as Kentucky Fried Chicken and Taco Bell actually give sporks away to diners. But, since the spork doesn't really exist, these are just fanciful tales told by travelers.

You can read more about the legendary fork here.

Daniel

Thanks for answering my questions. It was very helpful. I thought you were using spork as far as a theological position. Yes, I know what a spork is since I have been working in the public school system these last few years. The kids are given sporks to eat their lunches with.

Squirrel

There is no spork...

Daniel

Yes, there is such a thing called spork. It is a spoon that can also be used as a fork.

Jonathan

Ha, Daniel, for us, spork is a theological position.

Daniel

What theological position is that? All that I know is that I am a Calvinistic Baptist who does also hold to the Reformed theology. Squirrel did not make it as simple as you have just done. Thank you for being so clear and precise. God bless you.

Squirrel

No no, don't be taken in, Daniel! The spork is a myth and a deception! If you look on ancient maps, you see that, at the edges of known areas, the mapmakers would write, "Here there be sporks" as an indicator of the unknown.

There are no reliable historical records that indicate that the spork ever truly existed, and the spork is not mentioned in the Bible.

Daniel

I'm totally confused now! Is the spork supposed to be a theological position as Jonathan said or a supposedly geographical location as you seem to be saying? Other than this, I am not going to be in the middle of a theological or geographical battle between you two. I won't be taken in because I'm no longer interested in this whatever you call it.

Squirrel

Well, I suppose, since the spork does not exist, it can be whatever you want it to be...